shredding.

him: good luck, jbell....i hope things go well for you out there...you're one of the good ones...don't change.

sometimes encouraging words come from the least-expected places.
_____________________________________________________________
in other news, i bought a paper-shredder. it's possibly one of the most awesome appliances i've ever owned. appliance? tool? whatever. it's awesome.
what's not necessarily so awesome, though, is wading thru 7 years worth of old papers and mail and bills and files, and all sorts of miscellaneous things that i've saved for some reason or another.
i guess this is the first time i've physically sorted thru my past. i've cried so often in the past 2 days, just because of STUFF i found that i'd forgotten i still had.
i wish...i could shred memories. if a relationship, romantic or friendship, ends badly, even the happy memories end up being kinda sad, at least for me.
guess that means it's good that i'm throwing out any physical remains of memories - like the ribbon he tied around the bag that he gave me the perfume in. and good too that i'm leaving, so... i won't have to walk past that clothing store that's everywhere in manhattan, called "OMG" (as in OMG this bread pudding is retarded.) and all the other places that evoke all the other memories.

my hands tired, my heart aches
i'm half a world away
(r.e.m.)

leaving

the pretty neighbor;
TLA;
the guy with no hair;
the texan aka the painter;
dad: when do you leave?
me: on the 31st.
princess#1: ........why don't you go sooner?

so, i guess i could. leave sooner, that is. that would shake up plans some, but nothing's set in stone.

4th of july is coming up. last year i was home - was 3 days before i got laid off. nearly purchased an international plan for a blackberry at the verizon store, as i was planning a business trip to ireland at the time and was tired of getting overcharged on my little little measly domestic plan. something stopped me. hmm.

this year, maybe feeling a little sad because of the "anniversary" that it denotes for me; an entire year of being unemployed. just looking for a quiet, relaxing day. fireworks would be nice. a beach might be nice too, but looking more towards the queit reading sunning kind of beach-time, and less towards the socializing-bbqing-craziness kind of beach-time.

him: you're going to have such a great time.

had lunch with a friend of mine who's spent several years living on the west coast. he's pretty sure i'll be happy there, as long as i remember that people aren't too smart or ambitious. everyone who's ever been out there has given me advice - good enough, since i've never stepped foot in california. i just want to do something new.

I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
(madonna)

physical punctuation

eats shoots and leaves

heard of that book, right? depending on where you place the punctuation marks, this sentence can mean two totally different things.

i'm moving
to california
(or)
away from new york

yes.

i have lots of things to look forward to when i get there, both tangible and idealistic.... got one of my best friends to live with. got a zillion miles of beach a stone's throw away, more sunshine than cloudy days, and the feeling of opportunity and openness that i've seemed to have lost amongst the tall grey buildings of the big apple.

maybe better yet, or at least just as well, i get to leave behind all the things that didn't work out the way i wished they had: great jobs working with photographers and traveling to tropical islands. becoming a "real person", a successful adult, instead of being 30 years old, unemployed, and leaving a city i love because i just can't afford it anymore. maybe the biggest though are the relationships that didn't work; the broken hearts and what ifs and reminders that i really wasn't good enough.

when you see someone running, do you ever wonder if they're running toward something, or from something?

emotional heartburn

when my brother, who is 6 years older than i, left for college, i was in middle school. i had no idea i would miss him so much. every time he came home we would have these wicked fights, and i would feel so awful when he left. i remember explaining it to my mom: "it's just because i want everything to be perfect..." thus was the beginning of me "trying too hard"....

in my last relationship, we argued. a lot. i realized while thinking about it last night that most of our arguments were all pretty much identical; i'd almost say they followed a formula. which, unfortunately, doesn't make them any less confusing for me.
this all came up because of something that happened with the guy i'm seeing now. he'd gone away for a long weekend to meet up with a buddy - kind of a long-talked-about, but short-notice plan. he showed me pictures when he got back, and as i was scrolling thru the camera, i saw her, and my heart stopped. i let it process for a while, quietly, but could feel the knot growing larger inside of me. we watched a movie, chatted...and then, i had to ask.

me: why didn't you tell me that your ex was going to be in new orleans?
him: oh, i didn't tell you? i thought i had.

the conversation went further than that, but to me it really stopped there. it was déjà vu. my insides went from 0-60 and my mind raced back to all those arguments.

i fell asleep hugging my pillow, which may as well have been a sack of confusion. i woke up to a blue sky and the notion that i'll never know who was "right" or "wrong" or "truthful" or "lying", and trying to talk myself into leaving it behind me ... and i've been taking antacids all day.

i'm a breast man

man: (reaching out infront of him to grab)
woman: (slapping his hand away) HEY!
man: (surprised) what???!
woman: you always go straight for my breasts!
man: but i LIKE the breasts. that's my favorite part!
woman: well you know, there's more to me than that.


ok, maybe that's not exactly how the conversation went.
instead of man, it was really me. and instead of woman, it was really the cut-up chicken in the styrofoam & cellophane in the meat case at food emporium*

it's true. last week when i could feel the beginnings of my flu coming on, i rushed out to purchase ingredients to make chicken soup. and while i gathered food into my cart at the store, i suddenly found myself in a daze infront of the poultry. i have to admit, i have a history of being unable to make simple decisions, and suddenly, the weight of the world was on my shoulders as i pondered my cuts of meat. i ALWAYS get chicken breast, bone-in, with skin, split. but.... i'd just had duck breast at a french restaurant, and the fatty tenderness of it was still in my mind...maybe fatty dark meat would be more nourishing for a cold? but maybe i won't like it. aaaahhh. i seriously stood there for a good 10 minutes, knowing that other shoppers around me thought i might be a little "off".... i finally left, anxiously, with chicken thighs. it turned out OK; i was really trying to make more of a cassoulet or stew, than my usual chicken soup recipe. i'm glad i branched out and tried something new. but next time, i will return to my tried-and-true favorite. i'm such a scumbag.... ha ha ha.
and incase you're wondering, i'm feeling much better, now.

* it was kinda late-night, and my lovely local butcher Espisito Bros was already closed, or else i would've gone there for the chicken instead of getting it at the market...

where are you going, where do you go?

ok, here's the thing: i need a job.

in a few months, i'm going to have some major decisions to make. especially if i don't start working soon. like, "where am i going to live?" because i know i won't be able to afford my apartment anymore. does that mean i stay in nyc and find a roommate? or do i move? if i move, where should i go? florida, san francisco, and chicago have all been strongly suggested to me, for various reasons, by various peoples. i'm not sold on any of them. but beggers can't be choosers, right? RIGHT?
*sigh* suggestions are welcome.

all of this pressure to figure out what i'm doing hasn't been excellent for me. in the past 48 hours i've only breathed fresh air once, and my diet has consisted of yellow M&M's and old pizza. i am questioning pretty much everything. i am writing lists. i'm doing laundry. i'm cleaning out the fridge. i'm procrastinating in the most useful ways i can think of.

Me: ....so, why don't you come with me?
Partner-In-Crime: well, where would we go?
Me: hmmm....italy, spain, portugal, france, or croatia?
PIC:good list. i'll do cities: nopoli, valencia, helsinki, berlin, and somewhere way warmer.... hmm. palermo.
Me: i'm serious, you know. are you ready?
PIC: i'll sleep on it.

a busy week

it's been a busy week.
the other night i was in africa killing lions and buffalo. stupid silly me - i didn't even know there were buffalo in africa. but ernie says there are.
spent about 12 straight hours helping someone move yesterday - sometimes even the shortest distance can seem far away. it's worth it when you look up and realize you have one of the best views in the world, if only for a few days. i'd show you a picture, but then.... sometimes a view like this is a little more special when you get to keep it to yourself.
him: this view is.... heartbreakingly beautiful.
spent today with TLA, the girls, and abuela, hunting again, this time for bridesmaid dresses. again, i think we made the kill. we have to wait to make sure that D will be able to "eat and dance" in hers, before we put the $ down. i can, and will, eat and dance in anything, so i'm not terribly worried.
(infact, at my sister's wedding, funny uncle steve commented that when my dad and i danced, we looked just like this - however i think we were going for more of this....)

right now i'm suppose to be on my way to a birthday party. so i suppose that means i should stop writing, and get in the shower at least. *sigh* i wanna go but.... i've nothing to wear. oh, the plight of a whiney 30-something new yorker. but the maid didn't come to do my laundry, again. what's a girl to do?